Words and I

Thoughts about my day,
cloud me as I lay..
Some red, some black, some white,
mostly shades of dark grey.

You said, they say, I said, 
They say what they may..
Little did I know, never did I imagine,
All that was about to come my way.

Words that people say,
make my demons play..
these plays dim my sunshine,
how do I make any hay?

Granny's words, back in the days,
'What you say, is what you pay'
So I shut the dancing demons,
that made my mind go astray.

Now there is silence,
For peace I pray.
Let Karma be the Bitch..
And then we will laugh it off away.

And it Rained!

It’s a cool breezy Saturday night. It poured all day long and now it’s silent. Just the wind blowing, gushes of the trees, no stars, only the moon that is trying to get a sneak-peek of what my world down here looks like. Clouded, both the sky and my mind. Silence all around.

The noises or the voices in my head have gone off. Trying to understand the silence within. I do not know if it is some form of ‘inner peace’ or is it the ‘noiselessness’ of a turmoil brimming inside. I do not know if this is right or if this is wrong. It is the forever existent dilemma within that is rising again today. A fight of the head and the heart. A fight of mind over matter. It is perennial. 

This is that one moment when you really do not know where you are heading for. When you are trying to reason with the self and make it ‘look’ rational and logical but are unable to convince yourself. That one moment when your heart takes you to the ‘right’ direction and the mind tells you that it is not ‘right’. It is weird, inexplicable.

It is a state of being and yet not being. When you think and yet not think. When you reason and yet do not reason. When you want and yet do not want. When you feel and yet do not feel. When you love and yet do not love.  It is the two states. To be or not to be.

Confused. The only constant that has ever been.

In my quest to understand the self, questions are raised and left unanswered. Or may be I even know the answers but do not want to answer. Or may be there is no answer really. The world is full of options.

Sipping my black coffee, I look outside my window and try and look within. There are patches of white and patches of black. The grey areas are huge. It’s all about the vantage point really.

The lightning strikes. Outside and within. I shut the doors, but how do I shut the self. May be I will think about everything else some other day, some other time. For now, it is just the wind, thunder; lightening, coffee and I. I give it up for the day, sip my coffee and just enjoy the breeze by my window. May be the wind will flow past the thick skin and ‘breeze’ it up for me within. 

And it Rained!

Sad but true..!

Yes..I am back..after long..not because I never wanted to write and share but because I never felt the need for it..never really thought I could ever say something out in this big, bad world..

What brings me back again is the same sad reason that brought me to blogging years ago..I wish there were better reasons now..but I guess it’s a part of me now..having the same old cycle repeat like a déjà vu.. yet I could do nothing but be helpless like every time..sad but true..

I chose to blog because I know someone will at least read this and listen to my part of the story as well unlike the ones who I wished to say a lot to but never had the time, patience, or whatever it takes to listen to me..Its like shouting out loud in this whole big world where you know no one would get back to you and really make you feel weird or awkward or even worse..

Same sad story..that happened before..happens again..the only difference being the earlier one was over a couple of years and this one being over a couple of months..any other difference that I can see..NOT REALLY!

May be because I happen to be with the similar kind of people or may be I think they are similar..whatever..

Not that its been a sad story all while long..the sad part being the way  it ended..when it boils down to  a fight within you..a fight between the brain and the heart..a fight  between the ego and the self-respect..a fight between the wrong and the right..a fight between to hold on or let go..

I always heard that there’s a fine line between ego and self-respect..but I really wonder how many of us even know about it..how many of us really know the difference between anger and insult..how many of us really know what can be forgiven and what can not be..

It’s a sad phase of life..when you go through a complete whirlpool of emotions and are all alone in this world..left with no one to share it with..its a vacuum inside that eats you to the core..its an emptiness inside that kills you..to the point of agony..

I wonder where to go from here..what to do and what not to..its the puzzle time again where I don’t know what would fit in where and what would the ultimate picture look like..I give up today..only with a hope of rising up tomorrow and facing it again..be stronger and better..all by myself..

Rauny..miss you..love you..

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what not to say. I don’t know what to question; I don’t know where to find the answers. I don’t know what to believe, I don’t know what not to believe. I can’t just let this sink in. It is just not possible for me. All that I do is, look at you and wonder why God is so cruel? Does he not have a heart? He made us, He made the relationships, He made the heart, he made the love, and then why is it that he can’t let the love remain. When He made the heart, why does He hurt it so much? If He has a heart, why can’t He feel the pain of losing someone? Someone, who you never thought, even in the worst nightmares, would not rise to see the next day.
You, of all the people. You, the one who brought a smile to the faces of one and all. You, the one who had pillow fights with me. You, the one to say,’Didi, main hoon na!’. You, the one to make faces when I did not hug you. You, the one who would hold on to my ear while sleeping. You, the one to irritate me and never listen to what I said. You, the one to say, ‘I’ll protect you!’. you, the one to write me letters in the code language that we had devised. You, the one who would play with me whenever I wanted. you, the one to understand me when I had a bad day and to tell me,’ Everything will be all right. Don’t worry’ .you, the one who would run around the house and dance with me like no one ever did. You, the only guy I ever proposed to. You, the one I always wanted to be with me. You, the one who fought with me and would hug me tight when I got angry. You, the one to cry when we left each other for home. You, the one to teach me Punjabi and patience. You, the Einstein at home. You, the one to go out for that extra mile only to make it special for all. You, the one who would fight day-in-and-day-out with Richie, yet, love her all the more. You, the one I have always looked up and wished for and wanted as an elder brother.You, the one knew how to crack those never-ending jokes that made no sense but made everyone laugh their hearts out. You, who knew life and its rules even before it started for you. You, the one, the only one who should not be there where you are.
There is a voice in me that is trying to ask Him why did He do this to us? There is a brain inside me that tells me that it will happen to one and all. I don’t know what to believe and what not to. The heart says it’s the worst that could ever happen to me and God does not exist. My mind, on the contrary, says that this a part of life and we have to accept it the way it is. It won’t ever change. There is a battle going on inside me. I don’t know who is going to win cause no matter who ever wins, the loss is all ours. The damage was done even before we could have known about it and tried to prevent it. I feel like a helpless sister who could just not do anything about you. Feel like lost.
I don’t see you anymore but I feel you with me. I can’t talk to you anymore but I can speak to you. I can’t listen to what you say but I can hear you. I don’t see myself dancing with you anymore but I see myself standing with you wherever you are, with you, only to tell you, ‘Rauny, you have been the best brother. I feel proud and happy that I have a cousin like you who at a very tender age of 10 taught me things that mean the most in life. I am with you and will always be with you, no matter where you are. I pray and hope and wish that you only have better and brighter times ahead. You are inexplicable.I love you…’

Lost...

Lost is the Red…

Lost is the White…

Lost is the Cause…

Lost is the Right…

 

Lost is the Aim…

Lost is the Name…

Lost is what was left…

What’s left Blame game?

 

Lost is the Love…

Lost is the Will…

We fall apart…

This will really kill…

 

Lost is the heart…

Lost is the mind…

Lost is my smile…

All that was mine…

 

Lost is the emotion…

Lost is the feeling…

Lost is the You with Me…

Lost is the WE…

 

To be damned…

To be dumped…

To be ditched…

To be doomed…

 

To be deceived…

To be betrayed…

Me, deluded…

Me, lead astray…

 

Lost is the Dodie,

Lost is The Guchchi,

Lost is Panzerliebe,

Lost is ME...

Thriving in the Land of Virtual Reality

'Life is an Illusion and Death is the ultimate Reality.'

Need. Desire. Want.

The prime forces that drive Humans to push against their limits, to tap their own potentials and to realize their dreams and achieve them in pursuit of achieving the various pleasures of life.

 

Human needs are incessant.

I see millions running in the rat-race. Trying their best to make it first to the finishing line by hook or crook, oblivious of the reason why ‘they’ want to run in the rat-race. There are many living a life in the disavowal mode, plainly enamoured by the materialistic pleasures that this world has to offer. In an age of plagiarism where people merely have an obscure view of their life, leading to an entire disarray of their individual projections and ideas; nothing more than a chaos can prevail.

Amidst this confusion are the various ambitions and aspirations that not only encourage but also instill confidence and provide the capability to look forward to a better tomorrow. It gives us the hope to see the sun rise and shine higher and brighter in future.

But looking at the bigger picture, what is dejecting is the fact that in the long run, the ‘living happily ever after’ ending does not happen after all our whims and fancies are met. Death being the final reality for all where destiny takes over our lives and is the master of all.

 

Even while writing about it, it just makes me cogitate on what is it that counts? What is it that matters? What is it that we are all running after? All I get as an answer is Nothing.

The bitter truth remaining the same for all.

Life and Death being the two indispensable faces of the same coin. On the one hand, Life motivates us and inspires us to live a life in a way like we would never live again. On the other hand, Death awaiting all of us where the very question and reason for our existence and living gets diminished. There is nothing that can fight destiny. Everything fails against it.

 

All that I can make out of everything that is rushing through my mind is that someone has rightly said:

‘It is not your life in the years that matters. It is the years of your life that matter.’

Eventually, I am just pondering over what I thought of life. My point of view about it is completely at loggerheads with the ultimate reality. Just wondering what am I and what I am not? What is true and what is not? What is Real and what is not?

My mind is in a state of obfuscation that is leaving me tizzy. I stand alone here, facing an Illusion called Life, when my mind and heart are on a quest to puzzle out the Virtual Reality….