Rauny..miss you..love you..

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what not to say. I don’t know what to question; I don’t know where to find the answers. I don’t know what to believe, I don’t know what not to believe. I can’t just let this sink in. It is just not possible for me. All that I do is, look at you and wonder why God is so cruel? Does he not have a heart? He made us, He made the relationships, He made the heart, he made the love, and then why is it that he can’t let the love remain. When He made the heart, why does He hurt it so much? If He has a heart, why can’t He feel the pain of losing someone? Someone, who you never thought, even in the worst nightmares, would not rise to see the next day.
You, of all the people. You, the one who brought a smile to the faces of one and all. You, the one who had pillow fights with me. You, the one to say,’Didi, main hoon na!’. You, the one to make faces when I did not hug you. You, the one who would hold on to my ear while sleeping. You, the one to irritate me and never listen to what I said. You, the one to say, ‘I’ll protect you!’. you, the one to write me letters in the code language that we had devised. You, the one who would play with me whenever I wanted. you, the one to understand me when I had a bad day and to tell me,’ Everything will be all right. Don’t worry’ .you, the one who would run around the house and dance with me like no one ever did. You, the only guy I ever proposed to. You, the one I always wanted to be with me. You, the one who fought with me and would hug me tight when I got angry. You, the one to cry when we left each other for home. You, the one to teach me Punjabi and patience. You, the Einstein at home. You, the one to go out for that extra mile only to make it special for all. You, the one who would fight day-in-and-day-out with Richie, yet, love her all the more. You, the one I have always looked up and wished for and wanted as an elder brother.You, the one knew how to crack those never-ending jokes that made no sense but made everyone laugh their hearts out. You, who knew life and its rules even before it started for you. You, the one, the only one who should not be there where you are.
There is a voice in me that is trying to ask Him why did He do this to us? There is a brain inside me that tells me that it will happen to one and all. I don’t know what to believe and what not to. The heart says it’s the worst that could ever happen to me and God does not exist. My mind, on the contrary, says that this a part of life and we have to accept it the way it is. It won’t ever change. There is a battle going on inside me. I don’t know who is going to win cause no matter who ever wins, the loss is all ours. The damage was done even before we could have known about it and tried to prevent it. I feel like a helpless sister who could just not do anything about you. Feel like lost.
I don’t see you anymore but I feel you with me. I can’t talk to you anymore but I can speak to you. I can’t listen to what you say but I can hear you. I don’t see myself dancing with you anymore but I see myself standing with you wherever you are, with you, only to tell you, ‘Rauny, you have been the best brother. I feel proud and happy that I have a cousin like you who at a very tender age of 10 taught me things that mean the most in life. I am with you and will always be with you, no matter where you are. I pray and hope and wish that you only have better and brighter times ahead. You are inexplicable.I love you…’